Words By A.B

I Miss You

    As a kid you drove me crazy. You always bothered me when I wanted to be left alone. You copied all of the things I did to be just like me. Little me just wanted little you to leave me alone.

    As we got older you became my best friend. Being so close in age we had the same group of friends, and the same dance classes. We were in school together. 

    As we got older, and life started to hurt us, I was determined to be your protector. I was your big sister. I was going to do the best I could to make sure nothing bad ever happened to you. 

   Your struggles became too much for me to fix. I couldn’t show you how beautiful you were and beg you to eat. I couldn’t get you to stop numbing the pain with any substance you could find. I couldn’t save you. I couldn’t help you. 

    I try my hardest to this day not to take it personally. To tell myself that I can’t save you. That your struggles are not because I wasn’t good enough at protecting you. I try my hardest to tell myself I need to save myself first. But what if while I’m saving myself, you lose your battle? What then? 

   I lost you. The late nights laughing in my room. The walks we used to take in our neighborhood. Our combined birthday parties. Spending time with our friends. Getting over dressed up for holidays (even though we weren’t leaving our dining room) and taking a million pictures together. Texting each other all day just for fun or for a little motivation. 

   I’m trying my hardest not to make this about me. Not to feel abandoned, but I do. You’re “here” but you’re not. Your addictions and your struggles took you away from me. Our relationship is different. I regret ever telling you to go away, to leave me alone as a kid. I would do anything now to have you back. 

Addiction and mental illness do not just hurt the sufferer, they hurt everyone around them.

I Miss You